From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Angry, angry, angry... gee whiz, am I angry!
Summary: A BLAZEMONGER a day keeps the FLAMERS away
Keywords: Beethoven, concrete, petunias, tattooed knockwurst
Date: 23 Nov 91 05:12:16 GMT
Hey! Have you ever sent e-mail to someone, and then found out that
your e-mail was POSTED to the Net without your permission?
Did this make you angry??
Very angry??
Very, very, VERY ANGRY???
ANGRY ENOUGH to take STEEL TWEEZERS and FORCEFULLY PIERCE the
CHEEKS of the IDIOT RAPSCALLION WHO DID IT?!?!?!??!?
Well then, we have GREAT NEWS for you!!!
Introducing...
P H R A S E M O N G E R I I
the latest entry in BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED's "ViolentWare" series!
They said it couldn't be done. "Improve PHRASEMONGER??" they
gasped. "It's already the PERFECT way to create EFFICIENT and DEVASTATING
FLAMES!!" Well, that just shows you what DWEEBS "they" are. We have
taken the ULTIMATE ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM and turned it into... into...
yes... the ULTIMATE *ULTIMATE* ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM!!!!! (How's THAT
for progress??)
For those people out there who have never heard of PHRASEMONGER,
here are a few words of introduction, to help you out.
YOU STUPID, BRAINLESS MORON!!
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?!?!?!
Whoops!! Sorry about that!! We tried to write a polite and helpful answer,
but PHRASEMONGER II took control of the keyboard! We'll try again.
As described a few weeks ago, PHRASEMONGER was developed to make
flaming more efficient. Simply feed in the offending USENET article, and
PHRASEMONGER automatically generates and posts a specially-tailored FLAME to
toast your hated opponent, uh, I mean the other person. For example,
suppose you saw the following SUGGESTIVE and HIGHLY OFFENSIVE article posted
in your favorite newsgroup:
Article 5873 of rec.flowers
From: mark@liberty.ads.edu (Mark Pern)
Subject: Re: Petunia gardens in Southern France
In article <239487.8@nice.com>, mary@vax.nice.com writes:
>Next time you are in Paris, you simply MUST check out
>the Tuilleries, the roses are just fab...
Oh yes, definitely! I was there in the Summer of '89
and just fell in love with the place. Those high-walled
rock gardens and statues just blew me away!
Well, you aren't just going to SIT THERE and TAKE this stuff, are you?!?
No WAY!!! Let PHRASEMONGER generate an "appropriate" reponse...
From: testosterone@really.big.one (Don't Fuck With Me)
Subject: Re: Re: Petunia gardens up my ass
In-Response-To: moron@liberace.aids.edu (Infantile Pervert)
Newsgroups: rec.flowers, talk.abortion, comp.laser-printers
Followup-To: rec.music.jazz, alt.jesus
In article <3847@who.cares>, some dickhead writes:
>[useless sniveling deleted]
Mork, you DROOLING CREEP, you don't know the FIRST THING
about rock gardens. You wouldn't know a DAISY if it WALKED
RIGHT UP TO YOU and BIT OFF YOUR BUTT! In fact, that's
EXACTLY what would happen -- you see, flowers HATE you.
They WHISPER secrets about you when you aren't listening.
So get the HELL off the Net, and take your damn POSIES
with you.
Love and kisses,
Your mother's pimp
Now THAT was effective, wasn't it? And now, things are even BETTER
because PHRASEMONGER II is NEW and IMPROVED over the old version! Look at
all these great new features!
o AUTO-FLAME mode! Yes, you don't even have to sit at your
terminal anymore to post great flames! Just connect an
"Auto-Fire" joystick, and PHRASEMONGER II will begin posting
responses to EVERY USENET ARTICLE it sees! Use the
"Slander" option to make PHRASEMONGER post in the names of
well-known USENET personalities!
o WMAILSPLIT mode! Generate THOUSANDS of USELESS and ANNOYING
articles automatically!!
o SUPERUSER mode! Connect your PHRASEMONGER-II-equipped Amiga
to any UNIX machine. It will automatically grab ALL THE
UNREAD E-MAIL on the disk, ERASE it, and replace it with
WARPED and TWISTED versions of the original messages!
o REVENGE mode! If somebody posts your e-mail for everybody
to see, PHRASEMONGER II will automatically set up an E-MAIL
LOOP that causes your original letter to be sent back to
the offender over and over and OVER and OVER...! And the
versions keep getting worse, and worse, and WORSE...!
But it's not done yet! PHRASEMONGER II then monitors USENET
to see if the offender posts a public apology to you! And
if he/she does, PHRASEMONGER II immediately responds with a
CRISPY, RED-HOT FLAME that REJECTS the STUPID APOLOGY and
makes RUDE and DIRTY REMARKS about the offender's BODILY
PARTS!
o GYNECOLOGY mode!! We won't even TELL you what THIS does!!
So make sure to run out to your local dealer and purchase
PHRASEMONGER II right away! If you DON'T, then... then... then... well,
heck, I don't know. Let's ask PHRASEMONGER II:
If you don't BUY a copy of me IMMEDIATELY, CRAZED
RADIOACTIVE DEATH VULTURES will RIP the very FLESH from your
FAT, SLOVENLY CARCASS!!
Yeah, that's it.
Dan
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| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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ps: Can you tell I have a big assignment due? :-)
Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
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