From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: CBM Advertising
Date: 28 Jan 92 17:16:19 GMT

In article  mykes@amiga0.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Schwartz) writes:
>Seems to me that CBM should get Dan Barrett to do their next Amiga
>adbvertising campaing.  DON'T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO YELL AT THE CONSUMER TO
>GET HIS ATTENTION?  "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU USING A DOS/DOG MACHINE WHEN YOU
>COULD BE USING THE BEST?"

	Dammit, Mike -- there you go, violating your non-disclosure
agreement.  Oh well, now that the topic is out in the open, I might as
well talk about it.

	Yes, it's true:  Commodore has hired BLAZEMONGER, INC. to do its
next generation of television commercials!  Thanks to the astounding,
universal success of our BLAZEMONGER and PHRASEMONGER products, we were
approached by Commodore at last year's DEVCON and the deal was made.

	Here is a SPECIAL PREVIEW of the first upcoming Amiga commercial by
the MARKETING GENIUSES at BLAZEMONGER, INC.  Our predictions show that at
LEAST 90,000 sales will result directly from each broadcast of this
commercial... GUARANTEED!

	It begins with soothing music and a scene of ocean waves lapping
gently at the shore of a tropical island beach.  A voice says:

	"Just imagine...

		... a computer so amazing, so powerful, that the
		    most difficult tasks execute with blinding speed.

	[A flash of lightning strikes a palm tree and causes a bright
	 explosion.  The beach-goers flee in terror.]

		... a computer so fast, simple to use, that it takes you
		    higher than the height of the highest heights.

	[Cut to a view of the earth from the US Space Shuttle.  Australia is
	 cleverly labeled "AMIGA" for a touch of subliminal advertising.]

		... a machine so advanced that it can operate an electron
		    microscope, yet so friendly that it licks your face.

	[Cut to an X-ray diagram of a large dog.]

		... a computer than can do ANYTHING!

	[Cut to HAM picture of a size 41 girdle covered with maple syrup.]

		WELL?!?  WHY DON'T YOU *OWN* ONE, STUPID?????  Are you just
		IGNORANT NATURALLY, or did you have PAINFUL SURGERY to attain
		TOTAL BRAINLESSNESS????

	[Cut to the flag of whatever nation is watching the commercial,
	 waving in the simulated wind.]

		The Amiga is the ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE computer -- EVERYBODY
		knows that.  So get WITH it, DOOOD!!!  Any OTHER computer
		isn't worth the GRIMY DIRT on its RETURN KEY!  BLEAH!!!

	[Cut to silicon-chip cleanroom.]

		First, we've got HARDWARE.  Oy, do we got hardware.  The
		HARDEST in the INDUSTRY!!  Our chips are made of a secret
		TITANIUM STEEL/DIAMOND ALLOY, covered with MOLTEN LEAD and
		garnished with a sprig of PARSLEY!  [Cut to Julia Child,
		nodding approval.]

	[Cut to shelves and shelves of software.]

		Then, we've got SOFTWARE.  You NAME it, we GOT it.  Graphics,
		programming tools, games, word processors, games, and
		other stuff!!

	[Cut to successful-looking business office, full of good-looking
	 businesspeople.  Way in the back of the picture is Irving Gould,
	 stacking money into neat piles.]

		Business applications?  OF COURSE!!  MILLIONS of business
		applications!!  BILLIONS of them!!!!!  Oh yes!  For instance,
		for instance, er, um, uh... uh..., yeah, LOTS of business
		applications!!!  TONS of them!!!

	[Cut to scientists in lab coats with "Amiga" decals.  One of them
	 looks not entirely unlike Dave Haynie (or Peter Cherna... whoever
	 is cheaper).]

		Finally, there's the OPERATING SYSTEM:  the most ADVANCED
		operating system on the PLANET.  Multitasking?  You GOT it!
		Run ANY NUMBER of applications SIMULTANEOUSLY to your
		HEART'S DESIRE!!

	[A low, ominous rumble begins...]

		And of course, ONLY the Amiga runs the most DEVASTATING game
		ever produced:  BLAZEMONGER '92!!!

	[Cut to actual footage of the Nagasaki atomic bomb, followed by a
	 short but bloody animation of dying children being eaten alive by
	 Nancy Reagan.]

		So do the SMART thing today... and buy AMIGA!  Made by
		COMMODORE, who is not a games-machine factory.

		AMIGA:  Making the Imagination of Tomorrow Make Today's
			Imagination Possible... Today!"
			

	So there you have it -- our commercial!  It will air for the first
time tomorrow night on ZBS.  Watch for it!

                                                        Dan

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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.