From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The Answers To Which The Questions That You Wanted Answers For Need
Summary: F.A.Q. 2 U!
Keywords: again not no oh BLAZEMONGER
Date: 22 Jun 92 01:38:38 GMT
Yet Another Frequently Asked Questions Article (YAFAQA)
comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
INTRODUCTION
============
About a month ago, I asked people to submit questions for the next
c.s.a.advocacy "Frequently Asked Questions Which Are Asked Very Frequently"
list. As promised, here are the questions, and our Amiga Panel of Experts
Specializing in Helpful Information Transfer has provided the simple answers!
[Private to the Commodore employee who wanted to join A.P.E.S.H.I.T.:
your "membership packet" should be arriving soon. Don't open it in
a public place. Heh heh.]
Anyway, none of the respondents asked to remain anonymous; so, we
assumed that they all implicitly agreed to the conditions in the original
posting:
>Note -- anyone who submits a question may have his/her name and
>question posted in this newsgroup, unless he/she specifically
>requests to be anonymous. Be aware of this, since the panel, at its
>discretion, will ridicule stupid questions and humiliate people at
>random.
I'll have you know that only TWO people submitted questions.
Pathetic. And I thought Amiga owners wanted to learn more about their
machines... :-)
SECTION V: FUTURE AMIGA CAPABILITIES
=====================================
[jkrutz@lobo.rmhs.colorado.edu (Jamie Krutz)] asks:
>Why is it that I can't waterski behind my Amiga? Sheesh, it doesn't even
>have an OPTION for an outboard motor, let alone an inboard. And C= doesn't
>know the FIRST THING about hull design. Have you ever tried even PADDELING
>an Amiga? It's hard to get it to go straight, and before you know it, IT
>SINKS!
>
>Come on C=, get it together! (And I don't want to hear any excuses from
>third party developers about there being TOO MANY PIRATE AMIGAS floating
>around!).
>
>With rumors for the upcoming 80786 JETBOAT OPTION that fits onto any
>STANDARD CLONE changing it from a BOAT ANCHOR into a MACH 2 WATERSKIING
>SUICIDE MACHINE it looks like the Amiga is being SURPASSED!
>
>AND THE MINUTE THAT HAPPENS (RSN) ALL MY CURRENT AMIGA APPLICATIONS WILL
>SUDDENLY BE _NO GOOD AT ALL_!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>So, uh, that's my question.
First of all, Jamie, A.P.E.S.H.I.T. thanks you for your question.
Folks, if any of you don't know this, Jamie is well known in the
field of Waterskiing. He represented the United States on the 1988
Olympic team. Unfortunately, due to a small oversight on his part,
he showed up for the *Winter* Olympics... where he still managed a
respectable fourteenth place, despite the fact that the event wasn't
held.
Enough history... back to the question. Commodore has always had a
strong interest in watersports. Many of you may recall the 1983 C-64
advertising campaign which featured Mark Spitz, former Olympic
swimming champion. The commercials showed him diving into a
swimming pool while holding a computer, and getting instantly
electrocuted. A voice over says: "This wouldn't have happened with
a Commodore."
So to answer your question: evidently, CBM still hasn't recognized
the size and importance of the ever-growing "Aquatic Amiga" market.
Maybe someday....
SECTION LXI: MARC BARRETT EXCLUSIVE
====================================
The following 15 questions were ALL submitted by Marc Barrett
(barrett@iastate.edu). To quote Dave Barry, "I am not making this up."
Yes, 15 questions. Numbered, I might add, from 1-14, with two 11's.
A.P.E.S.H.I.T. is currently very puzzled as to the significance of this.
Anyway, here goes!
1. Why doesn't Commodore spend more on R&D?
This is a complex issue with many ramifications. Some people
say it's because lower spending means higher profits. Others
say that lower R&D spending fools the competition into lowering
*its* R&D spending. Still others claim that the current
"recession" is at fault, forcing companies like Commodore to
break for "recess" so they can go out on the "playground" and
use the "swings".
But the real reason that Commodore doesn't spend more on "R&D"
is that they don't know how to spell it.
2. Why doesn't Commodore advertize [sic] the A3000 on TV?
Commodore *does* advertise the A3000 on TV. But the ads are hard
to spot. The ingenious CBM Marketing Department has managed to
place subliminal messages in Apple, IBM, and Coors commercials.
If you can, try to videotape one of the new Coors ads. Then
replay the first 20 seconds of it, and freeze the frame just
before the announcer's final words. Stare intently at the upper
left corner of the screen, with your eyes mere centimeters away
from the glass. After several hours of this, you will begin to
see the laughing face of Irving Gould.
Those clever Marketing people... what will they think of next??
3. Why did Commodore abandon Amiga UNIX?
The answer is quite simple, but rather sad.
In early 1990, Amiga UNIX sneaked up when Commodore wasn't looking,
and bonked it really hard on the head. In retaliation, Commodore
kicked Amiga UNIX full force in the shins. Bam! At that point,
Amiga UNIX should have just left Commodore alone, but no -- it got
up off the floor and landed a savage punch to Commodore's
midsection. POW!! Now Commodore was really mad, and nailed Amiga
UNIX to a tree with a six-foot-long iron spike right through the
head. THWACK!!! Bleeding profusely, Amiga UNIX whipped out a .45
Magnum and began to fire!! Commodore ducked for cover and began
throwing razor-sharp, 3.5" disks at high velocity. The battle
escalated for hours, until finally the two computer giants got tired
and went home.
Essentially, Commodore and Amiga UNIX simply aren't speaking these
days, and neither one wants to apologize first. It's all rather
silly.
4. Why doesn't Commodore develop an A3000/A2000 CD-ROM?
Actually, a third-party company now sells an A2000/A3000 CD-ROM.
Just pop the CD-ROM into a disk player, press "play", and your CD
player instantly turns into an A2000 or A3000!
...what? Oh... you meant a 2000/3000 CD-ROM *drive*!! Never mind!
5. Why doesn't Commodore develop an Amiga CD-ROM (not CDTV) system to
compete with MAC and MPC?
Despite popular belief, Commodore and Apple are not competitors.
Actually, they are both owned and run by the same person. This
is the main reason that you rarely see advertisements from one
company openly challenging the other.
The owner, Claude "Binoculars" Spiffspimster, is a recluse who lives
in a small hut in an undisclosed part of Northern Asia. He spends
most of his days hacking on his Mac III and Amiga 4000T, skydiving,
and firing Commodore Marketing people.
6. Why doesn't Commodore develop a mid-range Amiga with '030, de-interlacer,
and HD?
Thanks to recent conferences between President Bush and Boris
Yeltsin, the United States and Russia have agreed to an
unconditional ban on all mid-range Amigas... particularly those
aimed at strategic sites in North America.
7. Why doesn't Commodore sell the A600 or A500+ in the U.S.?
They don't want to compete with the A3000T. Recent studies by
Commodore Marketing show that the average Amiga 3000T owner would
have bought an A600 or A500+ instead, if it had been available.
Those clever Marketing people... what will they think of next??
8. Why doesn't Commodore do something really innovative, like collaborate
with some small but innovative up-and-coming company to develop new Amiga
OS software, hardware, or both?
Shhh... don't let the secret get out, but Commodore actually is
doing this now. Look for specially marked packages of
Commodore-endorsed "Mrs. Fields Chocolate Fat Agnus Chip Cookies" at
a store near you.
9. Why doesn't Commodore develop an '040 system?
The Motorola 68040 processor is already ancient history. Commodore
is currently preparing for the "next generation" of CPU's: the
Motorola 68000, which runs at a blazing 8MHz. Rumor has it that
these little speed demons will soon be appearing in Commodore's
top-of-the-line machines. Watch out.
10. Why did Commodore try getting the Amiga into universities, and give up
so quickly?
It is not at all clear that Commodore has "given up" the educational
market. For example, the Educational Discount Program is still in
effect: any student, professor, or custodial staff member may
purchase Amiga hardware at greatly reduced prices.
Originally, the Educational Discount Program was criticized because
it required the buyer to purchase a complete system. Nowadays,
it is possible to buy smaller components separately, all the way
down to individual atoms. For example, one can buy the left half
of an internal floppy drive, or one pin of an Enhanced Denise chip.
As for cultivating relationships with universities, Commodore is
currently negotiating with the University of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin,
to open up an Amiga Lab. Commodore has generously donated one CDTV
unit for evaluation, and it is set up and available for general use
inside a cardboard box in the locked basement of the university
cafeteria.
11. Why are all the people on the Commodore Board of Directors either
bankers, real estate agents, or has-been Army Generals?
No special reason. Statistically, this is a very likely occurrence.
For the past 7-8 years, the United States has seen a tremendous rise
in the number of bankers and real estate agents per cubic meter. In
some major cities, it has become difficult to wipe one's nose
without knocking down two or three real estate agents. Bankers are
an even bigger problem in rural areas, where exterminators regularly
fumigate people's houses to remove the thousands of bankers living
in the walls.
Contrary to popular belief, there are no Army Generals on
Commodore's Board of Directors. However, Commodore regularly puts
generals' names in their Quarterly Reports so they are not invaded
and taken over by Sony.
12. Why have there been two vacancies on the Commodore Board of Directors
for the past two years?
The rent is too high.
13. Why did Commodore cancel the A4000?
It was late with its rent payments.
14. Why does Commodore pour scarce R&D and marketing funds into the tame
black hole that they call the CDTV?
It brings in the babes.
And finally...
11. Why does Commodore suck so much?
Because it has lost all its teeth?
Dan
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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
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