From: barrett@scooby.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: HEY, MORE NON-DISKLOSURE STUFF, LIKE, READ THIS NOW!!!
Summary: not
Keywords: secret like really really secret
Date: 18 Aug 92 00:48:50 GMT
Hey doodz, like, look what I found on my BBS this morning!!
This is it!!! I can't wait till, like, it's available!!
--------Forwarded message follows
From: ?????@????????.com
Subject: The LATEST LATEST OS SPECS!!! F*ck the NDA!!!
Date: Today!!
****************************************************************************
* TOP SECRET *
* FOR COMMODORE-AMIGA REGISTERED DEVELOPERS ONLY *
* NO PEEKING! *
* *
* OVERVIEW OF UPCOMING OS VERSION *
* AUGUST 15 1992 *
****************************************************************************
(C) Copyright 1992 Commodore-Amnesia, Inc. All Rites Reserved.
Prohibited where void.
WARNING!
Do NOT distribute this information under ANY circumstances, unless you
really want to. This information may be discussed ONLY in Commodore's
lavatories, closed developer conferences, and/or hayrides in Nebraska.
ANY violation of this agreement constitutes a violation of this agreement,
and the agreement shall henceforth be violated. Don't say we didn't
warn you.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
o Overview of the latest OS version
o Backward compatibility
o Faster filesystem
o New features
o Specifications of new AAAAAAAA chipset
o How to find yourself naked in a bathtub with Tori Amos or
Tom Selleck, whomever you prefer
OVERVIEW OF THE LATEST OS VERSION
This version shall henceforth be known as "V.00", or "Version zero
zero." The reason is that it adds thousands of new features and yet
remains 100% compatible all the way back to pre-1.0 release Kickstart.
"Ah," some of you will complain, "if you are calling THIS release
V.00, what will you call the NEXT release? Won't your new numbering scheme
conflict with old OS version numbers?" Don't panic, developers -- we have
this all under control. To avoid all confusion, future OS releases will be
numbered in Braille. Touchscreens will be provided.
"But," you continue to whine, "what will happen to all those
programs that call the OpenLibrary() function with a minimum version number
greater than zero? Won't those programs fail if the OS version number is
zero?" Well, this is not Commodore's problem. We have been telling you
developers for years to stop checking library version numbers!! It's
documented right in the RKM LIBRARIES manual, page 94,762. Just assume
that the user has the right version number; if not, then their computer
DESERVES to crash. It's not our fault if you don't listen.
Anyway, all this is trivial when you consider the wonderful new
features that V.00 will give you. Read on!
BACKWARD COMPATIBILITY
Due to requests from heavy users... no, sorry: HEAVY REQUESTS
from USERS, V.00 will be completely backward compatible in both hardware
and software. On the hardware side, all peripherals will be designed so
they will work even if plugged in backwards, upside down, or in the wrong
port or slot. Yes, those naive little end-users with cheese for brains
will be totally safe, even if they plug their new CPU accelerator directly
into an electrical outlet. [Note that CBM does not necessarily recommend
this practice -- CBM Legal Dept.]
The software also will be completely backward compatible. For
example, it will be possible to read and/or delete files before they are
actually created. A real boon for software developers is the ability to
link and load programs before they are compiled or even written. In
addition, if the user types a shell command like
1> erom ecneuqes-putrats:s
the expected action will take place. (This feature is also known as the
"Aspiks Hack", in honor of Slu Aspiks, the Inventor of the Non-Disclosure
Agreement.) Finally, Intuition can be told to interchange the meanings of
the MOUSE_UP and MOUSE_DOWN messages for people who accidentally glue their
fingers to the little rodent.
FASTER FILESYSTEM
The RQFFS (Really Quite Fast File System) is new with version V.00.
Both reads and writes have been sped up by 10-50 times. In addition,
directory accesses are now instantaneous, even for large directories on
floppy disks on plain 68000 machines. In order to obtain this incredible
performance boost, we had to make a few compromises, but we think that
nobody will notice. These minor changes include:
o The letter "Q" (ASCII 81) may not appear in any file.
o All filenames must be exactly 256 characters long.
o Files are limited in size to 512 bytes.
Developers are advised to make their files conform to this new standard
before V.00 is released.
NEW FEATURES OF V.00
Numerous programs have been enhanced, and others have been added
to the SYS: partition. Below are brief descriptions of some of the
changes.
C/NewShell
After years of incorrect behavior, NewShell finally lives up to
its name. Every time the user types "NewShell", he/she gets a
new shell -- literally!! The first time, it will be the default
Amiga shell. The second time, he/she will get an MS-DOS shell.
The third time will bring up the UNIX Bourne shell. If the user
invokes "NewShell" enough times, the Amiga will automatically
generate new kinds of shells with unique commands and syntax.
C/Rename
Moved to LIBS: directory.
C/Type
Now has an ARexx port.
C/Version
Now simply prints "0" and exits. [Note: Current beta release
crashes the computer. Randell, please check the OpenLibrary()
call?]
Prefs/Snort
Allows one to choose the default smell of the Amiga at boot time.
The user may specify any Sensitive Nose Interchange File Format
(SNIFF) file as input.
Prefs/Weather
Allows the user to receive weather reports worldwide (thanks to
locale.library) and modify global weather settings. WARNING: due
to a bug, the temperature gadgets currently go all the way up to
150 degrees Celsius -- DO NOT set the temperature too high or else
you might be sorry.
Utilities/Disease
A new virus-protection program. If an infected disk is inserted
into an Amiga disk drive, Disease emits a loud, digitized sneeze
from the audio outputs, and little drops of moisture appears on
the topmost screen or window. It then does a complete disk scan,
wiping the boot block and all files clean with a Kleenex (R) tissue.
When the REVERSE option is used, Disease will re-infect the disk
with an even worse virus and display a requester instructing the
user to return the disk to the person who supplied it.
Utilities/BLAZESALV
Program for restoring a crashed hard drive. Retrieves all lost
data and automatically converts them to BLAZEMONGER "save" files.
Utilities/Clock
Greatly enhanced. Any IFF graphics may be used as the clock image.
Can optionally run backwards, forwards, or both. Now contains all
functionality of the Commodities Exchange, making Tools/Exchange
obsolete. Also has a fully-functional integrated spreadsheet,
relational database, and recipe program, plus FAXmodem support.
Built-in "Calvin and Hobbes" random quote generator with sound
effects. Childproof lid.
Fonts/Topaz
Obsolete. (Developers -- please modify your applications to
accommodate this minor change.)
Devs/Printers/Boombox
New driver for sending printer data to your stereo system.
Makes a God-awful noise. Fun at parties.
SPECIFICATIONS OF NEW AAAAAAAA CHIPSET
The AAAAAAAA (Advanced Amiga Application Architecture And Active
AArdvark) chipset is the product of many centuries of development here
at Commodore. Way back around OS version V39, the AA chipset was the
big thing. But with the addition of each new "A", we have increased the
chipset's capabilities speed and throughput. The final advance was the
realization that all bugs could be removed from the chipset by putting an
aardvark inside to eat them.
Here is an overview of the new AAAAAAAA features.
o "A" mode, the default, in which the chipset emulates
the ECS or AA chipset, whichever it feels like.
o "AA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and
confesses that it used to be an alcoholic.
o "AAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down completely
and has to be towed to a nearby service station.
o "AAAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and
confesses that it used to tow cars to nearby service
stations.
o "AAAAA" mode, "AAAAAA" mode, and "AAAAAAA" mode, which
are still carefully guarded secrets. See
comp.sys.amiga.advocacy article number 39754 for a
complete overview.
For more information about the AAAAAAAA chipset, registered
developers and pirates should call 222-2222, extension 2, and ask for
"Snorky."
HOW TO FIND YOURSELF NAKED IN A BATHTUB WITH TORI AMOS OR TOM SELLECK,
WHOMEVER YOU PREFER
Who says that developers can't have fun? After much input from
many of you, we have finally come up with a 100% foolproof method for
having s}x}}}i}iii}}i}ii}}}}}iii}}}}}}}}}}}ubber duck alongside the fauc}}
}}}iiii}}}}}}}}i}}ii2#(!*$JF(IJDJJAKJDI#@)*IJDWDXD@@#@$(QWIDAKDAC(bibi
bibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibi
bibi**#*!!!!*!*!**!!!**!!*****!*nderneath! And that's all there is to it.
If you don't have your own spatula, registered developers may purchase them
(handsomely monogrammed, BTW) through CATS.
--------End of forwarded message
Sorry, doodz, but that's all there was -- the end of the file was obviously
corrupted. Thank God that the important stuff was undamaged -- yeah!!
(Who takes baths anyway??)
Dan
//////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.
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