From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The A4000 SUCKS!  Commodore BITES!  Marc BELCHES!  Film at eleven!
Summary: The TRUE FACTS about life, the universe, and my ego
Keywords: munch, chew, gobble, swallow
Date: 14 Sep 92 21:25:38 GMT

	I can't believe freaking Commodore.  Like, um.  You know?!?

	The new A4000 is DOOMED TO FAILURE.  Nobody will BUY it.  Everybody
will HATE it.  I have special INSIDER INFORMATION which was obtained by
TAPPING the e-mail connections between Commodore US and Commodore Antarctica,
unscrambling it, RE-SCRAMBLING it, and printing it BACKWARDS onto gigantic
LASAGNA NOODLES using an ancient IBM TELETYPE.

	All of the following opinions are FACTS.  And the following FACTS
are even MORE FACTUAL than the opinions.  In fact, the FACTS behind the
following FACTS are 100% more FACTUAL than the FACTS whose FACTS used my FAX
machine to FAX FACTS FACTUALLY to people named MELVIN.  But I digress.

	Listen, doodz, I KNOW what I am talking about here.  I know for a
FACT that every engineer at Commodore has personally signed a LEGAL
AGREEMENT agreeing to post only FALSE LIES and BOGUS FALLACIES about the
A4000.  Only *I* know the TRUE FACTS.  And here they are:

	(1)	The A4000 does NOT support 256 colors!

		The TRUTH is that it supports only ONE color -- RED.
		However, because of a bunch of STUPID HACKS and WORTHLESS
		EFFORT that WASTED zillions of development dollars that could
		have paid for several DOZEN SCSI-II interfaces, the A4000
		implements 256 DIFFERENT SHADES OF RED.  In fact, this is
		how the "AA" chipset got its name.  When the head of CBM
		engineering found out this terrible secret, he said,
		"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  Little did he
		know that his scream would open the doors to a whole
		generation of chips.

	(2)	The A4000 DOES come with a DSP!

		Commodore is LYING to you about this!!  Take a look on
		the back panel of the A4000, and you will SEE that I
		am telling the TRUE FACTS!  Right there, in black and
		white, are the words "Digital Serial Port".  SEE?
		I told you!!!!

	(3)	You CAN upgrade your A500 to use the AGA chipset!

		I mean, come ON you DWEEBS!  Did you REALLY BELIEVE that
		Commodore mamby-pamby TRIPE?  Open your DAMN A500 yourself,
		grab a crowbar, RIP out those OBSOLETE chips, get an AGA
		chipset and a hammer, SMASH those BASTARDS into the empty
		pin sockets, throw the remains back into the A500 case, and
		PLUG IT IN.

		See, it's TRIVIAL, like I told you.  And it's even EASIER
		for the A2000 and A3000 series machines because the crowbar
		FITS better. 

	(4)	Commodore has NO MARKETING PLAN for the next 5 years!

		That whole awe-inspiring speech at the World Of Commodore
		show was a load of HORSE BOOGERS.  The "VP" who gave the talk
		was really an out-of-work ACTOR hired to make all you wankers
		SALIVATE all over your CHEAP SNEAKERS.  I can't believe you
		fell for it.  I mean, who the heck ever heard of "Louis
		Egg-Breath" or whatever his name was ANYWAY?  It's OBVIOUSLY
		just a PLOY to make everyone run out and buy A4000's.

	(5)	The A4000 was NOT designed by Commodore!

		Yes, it's true.  The A4000 was actually designed, not by
		Dave Haynie and Company, but by the original cast of "The
		Beverly Hillbillies."  Meanwhile, the REAL Commodore
		engineers wasted away their time chasing NUBILE members of
		their preferred sex on some remote tropical island, eating
		chocolate-covered fruit, and LAUGHING behind our backs.

		I CHALLENGE any of those lazy wretches to dispute these TRUE
		FACTS that I discovered through INTENSE, SCHOLARLY RESEARCH
		of my "Baby Huey" comic book collection.

HAHAHAHA!!!  Now, FINALLY, the TRUE FACTS have emerged!  Commodore is
DOOOOOMMMED!  Tune in next week when I will report on the TRUE FACTS
recently discovered about George Bush, Tina Turner, and 50 dozen heads
of cabbage.  BEWARE!!

                                                        Dan

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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.