From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Let's BLAZE a great deal!!!!
Date: 23 Jun 1993 03:57:13 GMT
Summary: There's never been a game show like THIS!
Keywords: Monty Hall, Monty Python, Monty Carlo, Monty Verdi
[Loud, obnoxious "TV Theme" music plays.]
Good evening everybody, and welcome to another edition of
LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL!
the Internet game show where YOU can win FABULOUS prizes, travel, free CPU
cycles, and MORE! And here is your host -- that rabid wildman himself --
BOBBY BLAZEBLEEDER!!!
[Rousing cheers from the crowd! They're on their feet, jumping up
and down, shaking the foundation of this famous, filled-to-capacity
athletics stadium.]
Bobby: Thank you, thank you all. You're very kind. Yes, it's
another edition of LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL, and we have an
INCREDIBLE show for you tonight! You'll be sure to recognize
many of our contestants this evening, and they'll be in hot
competition for a stunning array of prizes. Here is
everyone's favorite prize announcer, Snortygord Zonkerdoodle,
to tell you all about the wonderful items she has for the
winners!
Snorty: Thanks Bobby! Our grand prize for this evening is a brand
new, totally loaded Amiga 8000T!! [The crowd goes "Ooooh!!"]
This machine is a well-kept secret at Commodore, so we can't
legally tell you about all the features... but suffice to
say, this is one HOT and SEXY computer! In fact, the tower
case comes in your choice of MALE or FEMALE versions,
complete with realistic "protuberances" and a brand new,
totally convincing narrator.device to answer all your
questions and attend your every whim and desire!
Just for playing, all of our contestants tonight will
receive free copies of BLAZEMONGER XXII, "Attack Of The
Killer Dweebs With Slight Limps," and a lifetime supply of
Spoingo brand Mashed Gorilla Extract. Wow!
Back to you, Bobby!
Bobby: Thanks, Snorty! And now, let's bring on tonight's BRAVE
contestants!!
[More cheering and violent gestures from the crowd as several
figures walk onto the stage.]
We're privileged to have with us tonight some of the most
well known and well-respected personalities in the Amiga
world! In fact, Contestant Number One is practically
revered as a God in the comp.sys.amiga newsgroups on
USENET. Please welcome: Mr. Dave Haynie of Commodore!!
Dave: [Blowing kisses to his adoring, cheering fans.] Thank you
all. Hi Bobby!
Bobby: Yo, Dave! Say... what's that thing you're carrying?
Dave: Um, this? Oh, it's just a new prototype Ramsey chip.
Bobby: But it's HUGE! It must be twelve meters wide!
Dave: Yup, but this sucker is *fast*.
Bobby: Well, we'll have to find out more about this super-chip
later, because Contestant Number Two has just come in! All
the way from Switzerland, will everyone please welcome "Mr.
Aminet" himself... Urban D. "Zop" Mueller!!!
[BIG cheers and applause from thousands of thankful "ftp" addicts!!]
Zop: Hello, hello everybody!!
Bobby: Howdy, Zop! Glad you could make it! Did you have any
trouble finding the place?
Zop: No, not really -- I just hopped into amiga.physik.unizh.ch
and flew out the Ethernet board, took a right turn at
ftp.luth.se and a left at merlin.etsu.edu, and here I am!
Bobby: Amazing!! Say, Zop -- is it true that after you disabled
downloads on amiga.physik, you *still* got 13,000 attempted
ftp connections per day?
Zop: Yes, it's sad but true. But we are currently working on
a solution to the problem, thanks to your helpful "Customer
Service" department. The next people who try to ftp to
our site will be in for a NASTY surprise!
Bobby: Woww!! Coool!!!
And now for something completely different... Contestant
Number Three is actually TWO people! They are one of
USENET's most adored married couples, and you can see them
trading love notes in comp.sys.amiga.advocacy every day.
Please welcome... Dan Stephenson and Paula Lieberman!!
[Loud cheers from the crowd, and jealous razzes from a few sexist
pigs.]
Dan S: Hey everyone! I'm on TV!!
Paula: Hi!
[They embrace. The crowd loves it!]
Bobby: Now Paula and Dan, I must ask you: lots of USENET folks
never DREAMED that the two of you would get hitched. What's
the story?
Paula: Well, Bobby, I just knew somehow that behind his arrogant,
sexist crap, Danny Boy was the man for me! [She pats his
tummy. The crowd sighs.]
Dan S: Yeah, I was pretty put off by Paula at first, but then we
started exchanging e-mail and I learned what a true sweetie
she is! [He makes "doe eyes" at her. The crowd starts
getting nauseous with all this cuteness. Snorty begins
passing out airplane-quality "barf bags."]
Bobby: Our next player, Contestant Number Four, is also well-known
in the Amiga arena. His keen marketing insight and biting
wit have saved Commodore from destruction time and time
again. Everybody give a warm welcome to... Marc Barrett!!
[The crowd screams loudly and waves their arms wildly in the air!
Some of them are holding pitchforks.]
MB: Hi.
Bobby: Welcome to LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL, Marc! Any words of
wisdom for all the people watching at home?
MB: Yeah -- get a life! Don't you people realize that game show
viewing is down 65%?? This show is DOOMED!
Bobby: Um, yes, well... thank you Marc! Our final player,
Contestant Number Five, has asked to remain anonymous, so
he'll be playing with a bag over his head. In any case,
please welcome... Contestant Number Five!!
[The crowd stretches their necks and uses binoculars to try and see
the face inside the bag. No luck.]
Number Five: [Muffled voice.] Hello all.
Bobby: Number Five -- you don't mind if I call you that, do you? --
what are your goals tonight in playing LET'S BLAZE A GREAT
DEAL?
Number Five: Personally, Bobby, I'd like to win the game and make a lot
of money.
Bobby: Admirable goals, for sure! Well, we will have to see what
happens! So, let the games begin!!
[The LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band begins playing *extremely* bad
music. A live goat falls from the sky, lands in the center of
the stage, and explodes.]
Well, now that our traditional live sacrifice to M'Butu,
God of Cheesy Game Show Music, has been observed, we're
ready to begin! I assume that all of our contestants are
familiar with the rules?
[Brief nods from all contestants. Dan and Paula beam at each other.
More gagging from the audience.]
Good! Then we can begin... Round One! In this round, we
ask questions about important events in Amiga history. The
first contestant to press his or her "BLAZE-buzzer" has a
chance to answer the question. If the answer is right, that
contestant gets 10 points! But if the answer is wrong...
[The band plays a very, VERY nasty chord... perhaps intentionally...]
...then, well, who KNOWS what might happen? Heh heh heh.
[The contestants laugh nervously. ]
And so, our first question for tonight's show is... back in
Amiga history, when Jack Tramiel of Atari was offering to
buy Amiga Incorporated's stock, the Amiga folks turned down
his offer of $1.50 per share. What did Tramiel say in
response?
[BUZZZZZ!!!! All five contestants press their buzzers and
simultaneously scream in pain as the electricity courses through
their bodies. There is a faint smell of charred flesh.]
Wow!! Snorty, what does our nanosecond-accurate Amiga timer
chip say? Who pressed the button first?
Snorty: It was... Marc!
[Cheers, boos, etc. Typical audience stuff.]
Bobby: So, Marc, what did old Jack say?
MB: He said, "The AAA chipset is just a pipe dream!"
Bobby: No, I'm sorry, but that's WRONG! [A bucket of dead fish is
poured over Marc's head.] How about you, Mr. Stephenson?
Dan S: Umm... I pass. I wasn't around back then.
[Dave Haynie is hopping around looking confident.]
Bobby: OK, Dave?
Dave: He offered them...
Number Five: ...EIGHTY CENTS A SHARE!!!!
Bobby: Now, now, Number Five, you aren't supposed to interrupt
the other contestants.
Number Five: Sorry... I get excited about money.
Bobby: Well, Contestant Number Five's answer *was* correct, but I'm
going to have to disqualify his answer, punish the wrongdoer
[more fish are poured on Number Five's bag head, plus a
few more on Marc for good measure], and award the points
randomly. Snorty, please spin the "Wheel of Fate!"
[Snorty spins the wheel, which is covered with ten foot long
barbed, poisoned spikes. When it stops, the largest spike is
pointing straight at Zop's throat.]
Zop: Ulp.... er... um...
Bobby: Not to worry, Zop! You win the 10 points for that question.
So, it's straight on to question number 2: How much is a
"signature edition" Amiga 1000 worth compared to the
"non-signature" edition?
Dave: [BUZZZ!!!] YeeeeOUCH!! *Damn*, that hurts.
Bobby: Yes Dave?
Dave: ALL the A1000's had the signatures on the inside of the case.
Bobby: CORRECT!! Ten points!
[The crowd cheers.]
Dave: I am always amazed at how many people in c.s.a.marketplace
advertise their "signature edition" A1000's as if it were
something special.
Bobby: I guess there's a sucker born every minute, eh?
And now, for question three: what are Kiki Stockhammer's
measurements?
Dan S: [BUZZZZ!!] OwwwOOO!!! Oh, my fingers.
Paula: [BUZZZZ!!] AAAAAaaaAAAA!! Shit!
Bobby: Snorty, who was first?
Snorty: Umm... it was a tie, Bobby!
Dan S: Dearest snoogums, let me answer the question. I know these
things better than you.
Paula: Oh, you're so *cute* when you're being a sexist pig! Let
me handle this.
Dan S: Au contraire, my little snugglemuffin, this is a real man's
job.
Paula: Oh yeah? What "real man" might that be, sweety? I don't see
anyone around here fitting that description.
Dan S: But Poopsie...
Bobby: Folks, you are making everybody really queasy. Just answer
the fucking question.
Dan S: 36-21-30!
Paula: 34-26-32!
Dave: Hut one, hut two, HIKE!!!!
[Dave tosses his 12-meter-wide Ramsey chip to Zop. Marc intercepts
it deftly and runs toward the end zone. But Snorty is there to
tackle him.]
Marc: OOOFFFF!!!
[The crowd cheers wildly. Snorty raises her hands above her head
in triumph.]
Bobby: Well folks, that was exciting, but I'm afraid that all of
the answers were wrong. In fact, it was a trick question,
because Kiki actually doesn't exist! She is merely a
3-dimensional hologram projected by a hidden Video Toaster
4000 with a beta "Virtual Reality" module during trade shows.
So her *real* measurements are 15KHz by 90 Hz, interlaced.
[Paula and Dan are both shot with a flamethrower for a few seconds.
Then more fish are poured on them to put out the fires.]
So now, with Zop and Dave tied at 10 points each, we'll
break for a commercial and be right back with Round Two!
[The LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band plays a *terrible* rendition of
"Catch My Fall" in Swedish. Strangely enough, the lead singer
appears to be a UNIX computer.]
***COMMERCIAL BEGINS***
Announcer: Are you TIRED of playing the same BORING old computer
games every day?
Crowd of kids: HELL YES!!
Announcer: Then try new "BLAZEMONGER 17", the ONLY computer game with
a SECRET NEW INGREDIENT!
Idiot: Duhhh, WHAT secret new ingredient?
Announcer: Yes, the SECRET NEW INGREDIENT is what makes BLAZEMONGER 17
the ONLY game recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists.
Dentist: I am the fifth dentist that doesn't recommend BLAZEMONGER 17.
[He is suddenly killed by a naked woman with a machine gun.]
Announcer: Don't let this happen to YOU! Buy BLAZEMONGER 17!!
Naked woman: Or else!!
***COMMERCIAL ENDS***
Bobby: Hello everyone, and welcome back to LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL!
It's time for Round Two! I'll ask everybody to look over
to their left...
[The contestants look...]
...and you'll see that we have created five giant replicas
of the Amiga 4000 motherboard. Will each of you please walk
to one of the motherboards and stand on it?
[They do so. Everyone is now standing on a different giant
motherboard. The contestants look a little bit nervous.]
Now, don't worry. This Round requires that you use all of
your ingenuity. Each of these motherboards has a
surface-mounted "Buster" chip. All of you have SIXTY
SECONDS to remove it! Ready... GO!!
[The clock starts ticking. The contestants are momentarily stunned.]
Snorty: [Announcing with a microphone.] Well, it seems that nobody
is moving. But wait!! Dave Haynie has located the Buster
chip first -- no surprise there -- and has grasped it with
both hands. The other contestants are still looking for the
chip... wait! Marc Barrett has found it too, and so has
Zop! Dan and Paula are still looking.... Hmmm... the
mysterious Contestant Number Five is throwing money at the
problem... wait, wait, no, he's picking it up again and
stuffing it back into his pockets. Dave now is grunting with
sheer physical exertion as he attempts to pop out the chip
using Ramsey as a lever! Zop appears to be hunting around
for something to use... yes, he's ripped out a few resistors
around the chip to clear himself some room! Marc is...
is... hmmm... Marc appears to be mumbling to himself about
obsolete hardware. And Dan and Paula have located the chip
and are trying to lift it out together! Dave doesn't seem
to be making any progress yet... but wait!! He's got some
tools! Where did THEY come from! He must have smuggled
them onto the set. Meanwhile, Zop has grabbed a trombone
from the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band and is bashing the chip
repeatedly to try to work it loose! Paula and Dan are
arguing now over whose turn it is to lift. Not much progress
there.... Marc has actually walked *away* from the
motherboard, apparently in search of a Macintosh.... And
time is ticking away! 15... 14... 13.... Frankly, I don't
think ANY of our contestants are going to be able to solve
this one, Bobby, so perhaps...
[There is a *HUGE* explosion.]
What the HECK?? Folks, I don't know what's
happened, but it appears... it appears... YES! Marc
Barrett's Buster chip is FREE!! And time has JUST run out!!!
Let's find out what Marc did.
Bobby: [Wiping soot out of his eyebrows.] So Marc... what in the
WORLD did you do?
Marc: Well, I figured blowing up the board was the only way to get
the chip out. Lacking explosives, I leaned over toward the
chip and described the inner workings of the hot new Macs.
The Buster chip exploded in jealousy.
Dave: More likely it exploded out of disgust!
Bobby: Well, it looks like Round Two goes to Marc Barrett! That's
worth 15 points, putting Marc in the lead!! We'll be back
with the exciting Round Three after this important
commercial message.
***COMMERCIAL BEGINS***
Announcer: It's a toothpaste!
[Cute little kids are shown brushing their teeth.]
Announcer: It's a high-performance automobile!!
[A wicked-cool red sports car races around a mountain road at five
hundred kilometers per hour.]
Announcer: And it's even a small, obscure South American country!!!
[A map of South America is displayed with question marks all over
it.]
Announcer: Can you guess WHAT IT IS???
[Shots of ten or twelve really stupid people shaking their heads.]
Stupid People: No, nope, etc.
Announcer: Well, TOO BAD!!!!
[The stupid people all get chopped to death inside a giant Cuisinart
food processor.]
[The screen goes black, and then a flaming "BLAZEMONGER" logo
appears. Terrifying music begins to play. Almost as terrifying
as the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band.]
Scary voice: BLAZEMONGER Seventeen.
Everything you THOUGHT you knew about computer games is
WRONG.
DEAD WRONG.
Announcer: Coming soon to a ViolentWare (TM) dealer near you!!
***COMMERCIAL ENDS***
Bobby: Well, we're back for Round Three! In this round, each
contestant has sixty seconds to compose an original limerick
about the Amiga!! The poem judged the best by our stadium
audience wins 20 points!
I see the clock is set and the contestants are ready, so...
GO!
[The contestants all type furiously into their word processors. The
clock is ticking, and the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band plays some
unbelievably horrid music. A masked man wearing a "Customer
Service" T-shirt shoots the bassoon player. The music improves
somewhat.]
[The clock DINGS, and the time is up!]
Bobby: Now let's see what our contestants have come up with.
Paula and Dan, what have you got?
Paula: Danny and I alternated lines, and we came up with this:
The newsgroup called "advocacy"
Makes the faint-hearted get up and flee!
It's full of big fires
And sexists and liars
And rumors and doomers... and me!
Bobby: Bravo! How about everyone else, in turn?
Zop: Well, here goes:
Our favorite Aminet site
Gets uploads and downloads all night.
But due to the sneerers
Who wouldn't use mirrors
The site's in a tight read/write plight!
Dave: Gosh, that one sounds hard to beat! Here's mine...
A wonderful machine's the Amiga!
It's definitely better than Sega!
It's got a real blitter
And interlace jitter
And RAM up to 1.7 giga!
Marc: Give me a break. Your last line doesn't even work
rhythmically. Here's a good one:
There are some Amigans who jeer
'Cause I sold my Amiga last year.
But I still know the most
And I am, not to boast,
A genuine Amiga pioneer!!!
Number Five: Oh fine, Marc... talk about bad rhythm when YOUR last line
has about fourteen extra syllables. Check this out:
My ways are the ways of mystery
Throughout the Amiga's history.
I do what I please
With the stock that I seize,
Despite what the Net folk insist of me.
Bobby: OK, audience members! Let's see your votes!!
[Thousands of audience members hold up their voting cards.
A 360-degree camera snapshots and digitizes the whole scene,
renders it in HAM8, and tallies the results.]
And the winner is....
[The LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL drummer attempts a pathetic drum roll.
A nearby moose thinks it's a mating call.]
... Contestant Number Five!! The audience judged his
poem as "witty and mysterious, with an unusual rhyme
in the last line." Zop's poem *almost* won with his
quadruple rhyme, but Number Five just barely topped him.
Number Five: Decent!! What do I win???
Bobby: You get twenty points!!
Number Five: What?!? No money??
Bobby: Not yet, Number Five, but you're in the lead now!! And
we'll be right back after this.
***COMMERCIAL BEGINS***
[Scene: a New York City nightclub. Sexy music plays.]
Announcer: In the night, the city lives.
[The beat gets more intense. The dancers gyrate and sweat.]
Announcer: It's hot. It's magic.
[The beat intensifies more. The band plays harder.]
Announcer: It's DEFINITELY not for WIMPS like YOU.
[The dancers are all suddenly impaled through the head by gigantic,
razor-sharp "Number 2" pencils.]
Scary voice: BLAZEMONGER Seventeen.
It's insane.
It's illegal.
It's out of numeric order.
***COMMERCIAL ENDS***
Bobby: Folks, it's time for the round you've all been waiting for...
the famous ROUND FOUR!
[The audience is dead silent. They are all holding their breath
because they know what's coming....]
Yes, it's time for each of our contestants to play...
Whole audience: BLAAAAAAZE-MONNNNNNGGGERRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Bobby: Yes, each contestant tries to keep his or her character
alive in BLAZEMONGER for as long as possible. Tonight,
we've chosen Level 67,921, which fans will recognize as the
famous "Tongue Piercing" level. The contestant who gets the
farthest gets twenty-five points, which is enough for ANY of
our contestants to be the overall winner here tonight and
receive that fabulous and jealously-guarded Amiga 8000T!!
[The audience goes "Mmmmmm..."]
Each contestant's attempt will be displayed for everybody on
our beautiful, state-of-the-art 150-inch hypermultisync
monitor. As each person finishes, his or her score will be
announced, along with its associated "rating comment" on the
BLAZE-O-METER, indicating how well the game thinks you
played!
We'll go in alphabetical order for this... so Marc, you're
first!! Pick up that joystick and let's see what kind of
stuff you're made of!!
Marc: No problem, Blazebooger. I can beat this inferior piece
of trash in my sleep.
Bobby: Well, I'm sorry Marc, but as you can see, the monitor is
clearly displaying "Game Over", meaning that you should have
been playing instead of yapping away! Too bad, d00d!!
Looks like your score is... negative 864,895,007, giving you
a BLAZE-O-METER rating of "Amateur Nose-Picker In Training."
Marc: But...
Bobby: The second player tonight is Dave Haynie, so let's see how
well a high-powered Amiga hardware engineer stacks up
against the very machine he built!!
[Dave grasps all eight joysticks, and there is a WILD BLUR of action
on the screen lasting for an intense, suspenseful 0.000000041
nanoseconds.]
Wow!!! I think that might be a new record!!! What do
you think, Snorty??
Snorty: Well, Bobby, that certainly was an exciting display of
gaming!! Dave managed to elude both the Killer Gorgonzola
Cheese *and* the Molten Plutonium trap, which is pretty darn
impressive! But his big mistake was forgetting to put the
"Lemmings" sticker over the entrance to the Shrine Of
Glorious Mucus to fool the Tupperware God, and that was
the end of him!
Bobby: Impressive nonetheless... and Dave, you managed to score
a whopping negative 153, giving you a BLAZE-O-METER rating
of "Not Bad For A Hardware Dweeb." Congrats!
Dave: Thanks, Bobby. I am *totally* pissed about that Lemmings
sticker, though. Just yesterday I was playing a few rounds
of BLAZEMONGER with the CATS folks, and I managed to get
past the Tupperware God and halfway up the sewer pipe! I
guess I got a little nervous just now.
Bobby: Well, don't worry about it Dave, because you're in the lead
right now! And our next contestant in alphabetical order
will be Paula Lieberman and her sex slave, Dan Stephenson!
So grab those joysticks, lovebirds, and go to it!!
[Paula and Dan struggle to stay in control for a vicious 0.000003
nanoseconds. The 150-inch monitor begins to smoke and melt.]
Not bad!! Snorty?
Snorty: Bobby, I must say that was a truly unique strategy that
Paula and Dan used. Most people try to go *around* the
Flaming Nostril-Hair Tribe using the Amulet Of Make People
Look In The Other Direction, but these two folks tunneled
*underneath* the Tribe's parking lot by enlisting the help
of the Giant Gopher. I didn't even know you could *do*
that!! Any explanation, Bobby? I mean, you wrote the
game.
Bobby: Snorty, there are all KINDS of little alternate ways to
avoid certain menaces. Some of them are SO SECRET that they
aren't even in the SOURCE CODE!! That's one of them, and I
am likewise surprised that our enterprising young duo
figured out how to do it. Truly a first!!
Snorty: Definitely, Bobby! But our happy couple met their doom
shortly thereafter at the hands... er... FEET of the
seven-million-mile-long Snot-Dripping Centipede. Ugh,
gross.
[Dan and Paula look slightly nauseous.]
But their efforts earned them a respectable score of
negative 704 -- not enough to beat Dave, but still sufficient
to earn them a BLAZE-O-METER rating of "Go And Cry To Your
Mommy, Wimpface!"
Dan S: Rats. I was sure we could whip that centipede with the
Exploding Bowling Ball.
Paula: Darling, I *tried* to tell you we should use the Auto-Sniper,
but...
Dan S: Sigh... my little petunia... that stupid weapon couldn't
shoot its way out of a paper bag.
Paula: Oh, there you go again, ridiculing my tastes and making
a *clearly* phallic metaphor. You men are all the same.
Dan S: But pussy cat...
Paula: [WHAM! She clobbers Dan with a crowbar. The crowd cheers
wildly.]
Dan S: [POW!!! Paula's nose is now bleeding profusely. You can
tell they really love each other.]
[Bobby motions to someone backstage. Three very muscular and
violent-looking people wearing masks and "Customer Service" T-shirts
politely, uh, "escort" Dan and Paula offstage, where sounds of
heavy machinery can be heard.]
Bobby: Well, now that THAT is out of the way... Zop? Ready to
give BLAZEMONGER a try?
Zop: Sure -- it looks awesome!
Bobby: You've never played before?
Zop: No, unfortunately. None of my local dealers carry it.
Bobby: REALLY?!? Hmmm.... [Bobby speaks softly into a radio
transmitter. We see several "Customer Service" people board
a small plane and take off toward the East.] Well, that
will be "taken care of" pretty soon. Thanks for letting us
know.
Zop: Uh... you're welcome... um, I think.
Bobby: Let's go!
[Zop grasps a few joysticks and straps himself into the gaming
chair. The entire stadium fills with frightening, screeching,
grinding, and generally violent sounds that chill everyone straight
to the bone for what seems like an eternity, but is in fact less
than a single heartbeat....]
Snorty: Another good performance, especially for a beginner! Zop
successfully ate all twenty-seven of the Evil Pies before
the vikings returned... but he missed the fact the pie number
12 contains a crucial key needed in the next room. But his
attempt has pushed him into first place, with a score of
negative 144! The BLAZE-O-METER has rated his gameplaying
skills as: "Almost As Interesting As Rancid Pus." Well
played, Zop!
Bobby: So Zop, how do you feel being in first place right now?
Zop: It feels great, Bobby. I only hope my score can outlast
the mysterious Contestant Number Five's!!
Bobby: And speaking of Number Five... it's your turn, so get ready!
Number Five? [Bobby looks around.] NUMBER FIVE?!?!?
[Contestant Number Five appears to be missing. Everybody starts
looking around. He is clearly gone.]
Weird!! This certainly has never happened before on LETS
BLAZE A GREAT DEAL! Hmmm...!
[Everybody looks around for a few minutes. Nothing.]
Well, Zop, I guess I'm going to have to declare you the
winner by default...
[The crowd suddenly gasps. Bobby, Snorty, and the contestants
look up. They cannot believe their eyes! Contestant Number Five
has returned... carrying what looks like the largest, DEADLIEST
joystick they have EVER seen.]
Snorty: What the hell...?
[Contestant Number Five walks up to the Amiga and, blatantly
ignoring the fact that the power is on, unplugs the existing
joysticks and plugs in his monstrosity. The crowd is silent.]
Bobby: Um, now look here, "Contestant Number Five..."
Number Five: No, you look HERE. I'm taking over. There's nothing
in your rulebook that prevents me from using my own
joystick.
Bobby: Hmm.... I think he's right.
Snorty: Yep. But I mean, my gosh... LOOK at that thing.
[They look. EVERYBODY looks. This is like no joystick that has
ever been seen before. The entire handle is covered with "fire"
buttons -- there are hundreds, at least. Locking, steel-reinforced
beams hold the stick in position, dozens of suction cups are attached
to the bottom, and the whole machine emits a weird, phosphorescent
glow. Clearly, this is not a stick to be used casually.]
Number Five: I'm ready.
Bobby: OK, then, Mr. Smarty-Pants. We'll see how tough you
really are against The Ultimate Game (TM)!!!
Go!!!!!!!
[The screen EXPLODES into action!! Images WHIP past everyone's eyes
as Contestant Number Five thrashes around the stage, whirling the
joystick handle, tying knots in the cables, kicking and punching
"fire" buttons with hands, feet, head, and an aluminum baseball bat.
The other contestants are in awe. Bobby and Snorty's jaws are
hanging open as they both realize, in horror, that an entire *three
seconds* has passed and Contestant Number Five is still playing!!
And THEN, SUDDENLY... there is silence.
The monster joystick is melted and destroyed. Contestant Number
Five lies sprawled on the floor, covered with sweat and little
pieces of joystick plastic. He is not moving. Bobby and several
"Customer Service" representatives, as well as Ron Nibbly from the
BLAZEMONGER "Legal" department, rush over to Number Five's body and
try to revive him. No luck! Bobby begins administering CPR and
mouth-to-bag resuscitation, while Ron begins an extensive search
for loopholes in the official "Contestant's Contract." But Ron's
worries are short-lived because, slowly, Contestant Number Five
revives!!]
Number Five: Holy Harry.
Bobby: Huh?
Number Five: Harry. Harry Copperman. I saw him.
Bobby: I think you need a doctor.
Number Five: No, I'm fine. Really. My death has been predicted MANY
times, but I'm still around. Just stubborn, I guess.
So... how did I do??
Bobby: Snorty?
Snorty: Bobby, this guy is some kind of master BLAZEMONGER player,
that's for sure. He got past all the tricks and traps that
fooled our other contestants and nearly reached the end of
the level!! And he was doing pretty amazingly for most of
his turn, with a score reaching all the way up toward
positive 3 or even 4!! This is obviously a man who plays
a *lot* of BLAZEMONGER.
But you know how fickle BLAZEMONGER scoring is. "Number
Five" made a mistake or two in his last crucial picoseconds,
and this brought the score down. I guess even experienced
BLAZEMONGER wizards can crack under the pressure. Although
Number Five *nearly* succeeded in getting his tongue pierced
to leave the level, he made the classic mistake of getting
the surgery done by Neurotic Norman, The Bladder Drinker.
And Norman, as you know, is *not* to be trusted with a
scalpel... nor a straw!
Number Five: Drat!!
Snorty: This error reduced Number Five's score to negative 145...
which means that Zop has triumphed by a single point!!!
[VERY LOUD, VERY EXCITING music is heard, as the LETS BLAZE A GREAT
DEAL band gives up on playing their instruments and instead bangs
them with large hammers. An awe-inspiring laser light show begins,
burning large holes through several large audience members.]
Bobby: CONGRATULATIONS, Zop!!!! BLAZE ON!! You are our BIG WINNER
tonight, and you'll be taking home that WONDERFUL Amiga
8000T. How do you feel???
Zop: [Tears of joy are flowing down his cheeks.] I... I am SO
overcome!! I don't know what to say! Thank you, thank
you everybody....
[Dave, Dan, Paula, Marc, and "Number Five" all shake hands politely
with Zop and congratulate him. The Amiga 8000T is lowered from
the rafters down to the stage. Cheers and whistles from the crowd!]
Bobby: That's it for this edition of LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL!!
Thank you to ALL of our wonderful contestants for playing on
our show tonight! And special thanks to Snorty, Ron,
"Customer Service", and our sponsor, BLAZEMONGER
INCORPORATED, who made this show possible.
Any final words from our contestants??
Zop: Thank you!
Dave: What, me worry?
Dan S: Oh Paula!
Paula: Oh Danny!
Number Five: See you on the stock market!
Marc: I tell you, this show is doomed.
Dan
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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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---
Copyright 1993 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.
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