From: barrett@snoopy.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy,comp.sys.amiga.games
Subject: BLAZEMONGER now available on CD-ROM!!
Date: 26 Feb 1994 02:03:46 GMT
Keywords: giant radioactive slices of toast
Yes, it's true!!!!
You asked for it. You BEGGED for it. You *SCREAMED* for it.
You even offered to PULL OFF YOUR OWN TOES with a RUSTY PAIR of
DENTAL PLIERS for it. In slow motion. With "mambo" music playing in the
background.
We laughed.
But then we did it ANYWAY!!
*** B L A Z E M O N G E R O N C D - R O M ***
Yes: the MOST ULTIMATE INTERNATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT SENSATION since
the invention of Pop-Tarts (TM) is now available on CD-ROM!!!!!
"But I don't understand!!!" you cry in confusion. "BLAZEMONGER is
already the ultimate game, and it's contained on a single floppy disk! Why
do you need all that extra space??"
[Insert evil laughter here.]
We are happy you asked, you SILLY GOON. We have VERY good uses for
that space. Here is a brief feature list for BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM:
* Now includes the ENTIRE UNIVERSE... and THEN SOME!
* More EYEBALL-POPPING DIGITIZED SOUNDS!!
* More EAR-SHATTERING GRAPHICS!!
* More HEROES!! You now have COUNTLESS more choices of who your
hero/heroine/being should be. Have you ever wondered what it would
be like to guide Beavis and Butthead through the dungeons of
BLAZEMONGER? How about Irving Gould? Tonya Harding? Karl Marx?
Karl MALDEN?? Karl Malden's NOSE?!? Complete with SNEEZE GUARD?!?!?
* More MONSTERS! If you thought that 25,984,112,085,394,418,222,017
monsters weren't enough, YOU WERE RIGHT!!! Now you can THRILL to
the HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE of being SAVAGELY ATTACKED by:
* Living, walking, SLEDGEHAMMERS!
* 3,000-kilometer-tall ANGRY CHICKENS... on STILTS!!
* The GHOST of Commodore Australia!! (Playing tip: do NOT
try to beat this monster with the "Irving Gould" character.)
* Cheez Whizards!! Watch out for these TERRIFYING new magic
users with their NOZZLES OF DOOM!
* Software engineers carrying soldering irons!!
(YAAAAAHHH... SCARY!!)
* Deadly, poisonous, blank PROXY FORMS from the Commodore
Shareholder's Movement!!
... and QUADRILLIONS MORE!!
* ON-LINE DOCUMENTATION in AMIGAGUIDE FORMAT!! Yes, it's now TRIVIAL
to identify any object or creature in BLAZEMONGER. Simply position
your mouse cursor over it and press the "Help" key. Immediately (in
fact, slightly BEFORE you press the "Help" key), an AmigaGuide
window will pop up and tell you what a HOPELESS DWEEB you are for
using this TOTALLY WIMPY help facility, and giving you a severe
electronic shock up the mouse cable. YOWZA!!
* COMPLETE MAPS OF ALL DUNGEONS!!! (See "ON-LINE DOCUMENTATION",
above, but with higher voltage.)
* THOUSANDS OF CHEATS!!! (See "COMPLETE MAPS", above, but MUCH
nastier.)
* EDIT ACCESS TO THE HIGH SCORE TABLE!!! (See "THOUSANDS OF CHEATS",
above, or save us the trouble and just kill yourself right now.)
* A new COPY PROTECTION MECHANISM!! You've heard all those LOSER
GOOFBALLS who insist that CD-ROM's provide their own "copy
protection" by holding so much data. Well, THIS IS WORSE!
BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM has SO MUCH DATA that if anybody tried to copy
it, the destination disk would EXPLODE with MULTI-MEGATON FORCE even
before HALF A SECTOR was transferred!!
(Actually, this is a real problem for our disc duplication factory!
Each copy of BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM must be produced with extreme
caution, or else the unstable anti-matter molecules on the disc rub
each other the wrong way, producing......... uh, never mind, I've
said too much already.)
* CD-ROM SPEED ENHANCEMENT! Forget about your WIMPY double-speed or
quadruple-speed multisession PhotoCD CRAP. BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM
forces your drive to read the disc at WARP FACTOR SPEEDS -- so fast
that the disc becomes INVISIBLE, allowing the laser to read BOTH
SIDES AT THE SAME TIME!! [Caution: do NOT open the drive door
while the disc is spinning, unless you enjoy having a narrow,
5.25-inch hole drilled through every solid object between your
computer and, say, Neptune. Including yourself.]
* 50,000,000 PIZZAS!!! Yes, we have digitized fifty million pizzas in
24-bit color and 36-bit flavor... just PERFECT for those month-long,
late-night games. Hungry?? Just send one to your printer!! Our
special Culinary Conversion attachment [included] gives you hot,
fresh, steaming pizza -- and only minimal ink stains -- with your
choice of over 64,000 toppings!! Ever wonder what pizza would taste
like with walnuts and whipped cream? Candle wax and "Count
Chocula?" How about hot dogs, beer, cabbage, and DEAD ALIEN
MEAT?!? Well WONDER NO LONGER. Just DIG IN... and then DIG YOUR OWN
GRAVE in BLAZEMONGER!!
* And of course: MORE VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!! If your CD-ROM drive manages
to load this disc without MELTING from the INTENSITY, consider
yourself LUCKY!!! *Very* lucky. Especially since if it DOES melt,
you'll have to call "Customer Service". :-)
At this point, I am sure you are DYING to run out and play
BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM, so I'll let you discover the rest of its secrets on
your own. BLAZEMONGER ON CD-ROM costs only $9.95 -- yes, the same price as
the floppy version, because we are such ULTIMATE STUDS -- so buy it today!!
And find out why both "BLAZEMONGER" and "CD-ROM" are always written in
CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!
Dan
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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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Copyright 1994 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.
Special thanks to Esa Haapaniemi, eha@zombie.oulu.fi, for personally
visiting me in Chickenmilk, Wisconsin, and offering to massage my feet. Oh
yeah, and for some of the above ideas.
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