From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.misc,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: So where the heck has BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED been?
Date: 18 May 1995 18:46:11 GMT
Summary: We're baaaack...
Keywords: luna moth, impetuous, hurricane, Pampers
OK, OK, enough already!! Stop bombarding us with email messages,
you rancid PANDA-BAITERS. You want the truth? OK, you got it!
Apparently, many people are wondering where BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED
has been during all of this Commodore bankruptcy/negotiation business. As
various computer giants took their turns wrestling over Commodore's ashes,
where have the creators of BLAZEMONGER, the ULTIMATE computer game, been
hiding? And why??
Heh heh heheheh.
Well, for a while, we watched from the sidelines. Then, when
Commodore UK and CEI finally got into the act, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED was
right there, behind the scenes, helping out with the negotiations.
Personally, we couldn't BELIEVE how long all those DWEEB LAWYERS went ON and
ON. In fact, if it hadn't been for the timely action of our "Customer
Service" department, those negotiations might STILL be in limbo. Special
thanks go to "Vinnie" for his ingeniously creative and helpful use of razor
wire and olive oil. Ooooooeee, that smarts.
Now that Escom has won the battle, we've been involved in SECRET,
INTENSE PLANNING SESSIONS with them to decide the future of the Amiga.
68060 CPU? AGA graphics? Built-in neutron BOMB? These are all extremely
WIMP-OLA ideas. The final results, when the new Amigas hit the market, will
be FAR BEYOND this unimaginative TRASH. Expect to see Cray CPU's, live
AQUARIUMS, and LASER DEATH RAY CANNONS built into even the low-end models!!
Ah, but that is not all. Escom has been only a side interest for our
company. You see, we've also been working on a TOP SECRET project. It's
new. It's FAST. And it's VIOLENT. VERY VIOLENT. The kind of QUALITY
you'd EXPECT from the AWESOME creators of "the first computer game with its
own Richter Scale rating" [Computer Gaming Monthly].
"But," you ask, in a kindly, innocent voice, the sort that a cute
baby lamb might have in a hushed meadow at twinkling twilight, "what in the
world could Blazemonger Incorporated be working on if they have already
created the 'ultimate' computer game?"
[The next paragraph is a brief, polite summary for all of those nice
newcomers in the newsgroup. Old-timers can skip ahead.]
FIRST of all, SHEEP-FACE, it's "BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED" in ALL
CAPITAL LETTERS!! If you don't SHOUT when you SAY IT, you SUCK when you PLAY
IT!!!!! (TM) Get a LIFE, get a JOB, and GET A *GRIP*!!
OK, now that that's overwith.... The answer, my friends, is that we
haven't been working on a new game. Instead, we've been writing a book.
"A book?"
Yes, a BOOK. One of those FLAT things with PAGES. And it's all
about... the life of Commodore! How they began, how they rose to grandeur,
how they fell DOWN again, how they came back UP again, how they slipped and
FELL on a banana peel, how they climbed back up using only their FINGERNAILS
on a BARE ROCK CLIFF FACE, STRUGGLING for NEW LIFE, GASPING, BLEEDING
PROFUSELY from every ORIFICE... only to find a pack of ULTRA-VIOLENT
JOURNALISTS sitting at the top, writing lies about them. That's where we
come in.
Thanks to the EXPERT crew in our "Publications and Supplications"
department, we have chronicled the rise and fall (and subsequent rebirth)
of Commodore in PERFECT PROSE, GLEAMING GRAPHICS, and unequalled STYLE AND
WIT. GRRRAAARRRRGH!!!!
One of the most important issues we faced was, of course, what should
the book be called? What title could we invent that would appropriately
capture a subject so near and dear to millions of our hearts? We thought of
a whole mess of preliminary titles, such as:
o "The Ballad of Irving"
o "How To Succeed in Business Without Trying One Damn Bit"
o "I Was a Hardware Love-Slave in Bondage: Dave Haynie
Tells All"
o "The Amazing Adventures of Amiga Man and his Teenage
Sidekick, MultiTasko!"
o "From West Chester to Escom: What a Long, Fucked Up Road
It's Been"
o "Men Who Love Women and the Women Who Hate Their Computer
Game Addictions"
o "Mehdio and Gouldiette"
So...... after much reasoned deliberation and argument (involving
several machetes and a gallon of molten Snapple), we came to the decision
that ALL of these titles were WAY WIMPY. NONE of them expressed the true
feelings in our souls. So we locked ourselves in a PADDED FALLOUT SHELTER
for 48 straight hours and emerged, truimphant, with the ONE TRUE TITLE we
knew was meant for our book. Get ready for....
[rumble RUMBLE...!]
"CRUSHED SKULLS:
VIOLENT DEATH AND GERBIL LUST
IN THE BOWELS OF COMMODORE"
Yes! "CRUSHED SKULLS" is due to SLAM into your local bookstore any
day now! It is destined to become CLASSIC of Western (or at least
Westchestern) literature! But don't just take our word for it!! See what
the reviewers have been saying about our Beta version of "CRUSHED SKULLS":
"CRUSHED SKULLS is like no other computer book we've seen.
Just the fact that it arrives in an armor plated cover renders
it immediately unique."
- Publisher's Weekly
"CRUSHED SKULLS... is an... book that is... absolutely."
- New York Times Book Review
"CRUSHED SKULLS is the ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE BOOK!! It is a MASTERPIECE
of EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!"
- Bobby Blazebleeder
(no relation)
"If you read only one book this year, make it this one."
- The Washington Post, speaking of
Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History
of Time"
"CRUSHED SKULLS is the best book I've read this year."
- Charles Manson
"The fastest read I've ever experienced. The pages whipped past my
eyes so quickly I could hardly take in the details! I read it
twelve or thirteen times before I even opened up the cover!"
- Computer Game Review
"CRUSHED SKULLS is a total ripoff -- what a stupid book! I can't
believe that BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED would stoop to such a...
[knock knock] um, excuse me for a moment... Yes, who is it?
"
- [Name omitted on request by friends
and family who would like to
assure the "Customer Service"
department that do not share the
reviewer's views]
Now if THOSE reviews don't sell you on the book, I don't know
WHAT will! But just in case, here is a brief, SPINE-TINGLING EXCERPT
from the book.
From Chapter 5, "Splattered Guts on Virtual Walls"
"As the weeks flew by, and the development team worked
diligently on the A3000+ prototype, dark things were afoot. Unknown
to those loyal hardware and software designers, the deadly MARKETERS
were on the warpath, wielding the ultimate weapon, Fatal
Shortsightedness of Doom, and sending it whizzing into the heart of
a good idea. 'I remember those days well,' said Mike Sinz. 'We
used to hide our designs inside locked safes so the Marketing
Department wouldn't know what we were doing. That way, they
couldn't discontinue the project.' But it was to no avail. The
A3000+ was discovered in a daring, midnight raid on the hacker
headquarters, and it vanished into the obscurity of legend."
Check it out, CBM fans! Here's your chance to learn the truth,
the WHOLE truth, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH (except for the bits we made up).
Watch for "CRUSHED SKULLS" any day now, d00dz!!!
Dan
//////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Computer Science Dept, University of MA, Amherst, MA 01003 |
| http://zoo.cs.umass.edu/~barrett/public.html -- barrett@cs.umass.edu |
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1995 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author. So nyaaah.
Home